I guess a part of me has known for a while that this was building. That I was slowly approaching an eventuality that I couldn’t avoid. I could probably best liken it to walking around in the dark. You are consciously aware of furniture, of walls, things lurking on the floor. You know they’re there, you just don’t remember exactly where, and when you finally walk into / step on it, it’s just as much a surprise and jarring to you.
Ever since I was little I’ve been able to compartmentalize my life. I’ve been able to detach emotionally from the reality that I was living. It’s helped me stay steady in stressful situations. It’s helped me be a rock for others. It’s been one of my biggest assets, and at the same time a slowly growing cancer.
A lot has happened this last year. A lot has happened these last three months. I don’t know what exactly finally did it. What combination of events, what sensation, what experience. What caused my carefully constructed honeycomb to finally break down, to flow fluidly and without control. Only time will tell for sure, but for now the result has become perfectly clear.
I’m tired, I’m exhausted, and I’m burnt out.
I don’t know what exactly to do from here. I’m terrified of letting people down. Only one thing is clear. I need to unplug and recharge for a while, and that’s exactly what I am going to do.